Relationships..Abusive

No one really knows and i dont go out  of my way to tell anyone at all, but earlyer tonight sitting at ihop with my two new best friends.. (of course dont tell that to some other girls i know lol)  Tracy and Sofia while listening to sofia's crazy Ex story i thought of my own.. crazy and dark past with my Ex Brandon Senior.. god thinking about that still hunts me today and it was like 5 or 6 years ago.. i moved to reading/ Hillsdale Michigan when i was 15, i am from montcalm Mi. My mom thought i would be ok to move a 3nd generation mustang (that was the name of the high school i was support to finish at) to the bottom of michigan that should of been called shitville. She got a flower shop in Montcalm and i was popluar.. and in cheerleading and she was involoved in everything.. life was good and it was just us 3 girls..cause my mom never remarried after my dad and her until that damn flower shop.. she got on the computer and BAM i ended up in Reading while my mom married some really really abusive asshole, (to this day i plan on going back and killing!) anywho she married him and he was abusive in a sience that he would say things.. and act a certain way. He was a really bad guy.. he had been married before and his wife died.. (lucky) ever sience then he would get married and not stay married real long.. well my mom was happy for a while.. and i had to have the normal life of family dinners and all that family time.. i hated it and missed my freinds.. alot that were about three hours away from me now. I grew up with Azlynn, Aden, Cody and my sister Alora.. all my life and now it was just Alora and me. We went to reading school and lets just say it was scarey and the people were bad too... Tracy that guy that my mom ended up marrying was weird and everybody could see it..he would hug me and always want to hang out with me not my mom...my grandma hated him and my mom still swears she thinks he wanted to sleep with me..shes glad he ended it first cause she was going to soon too! Well the school was bad and were we lived was scarey too... in the back yard was a mill for grain and a train that ran right through are back yard! Across the yard was a popane place and kitty corner to us was a scarey looking trainer that a boy named Cody, lived in and history from him that i dont care to remember. Through this guy named Tracy AAron.. I met brandon Senior... big mistake.. We went over to a friends house of tracys one night.. and i walked into a pole barn with a whole bunch of farmers drinking beer which didnt scare me cause i was used to men drinking beer cause my family are hunters. Well i figured it was going to be shitty night n i was going to be bored..well brandon was about 16 at the time or alittle younger.. he walked into the barn and at first he didnt see me.. but i saw him and i loved his blue eyes, strong arms and that hick farmer look.. so i moved out of the way of the drunk farmers and we locked eyes.. i could tell it was love at first sight. We started talking, while are parents talked and soon he asked if i wanted to see his baby calfs and farm animals and i asked if i could and my mom was nervous because she didnt know these ppl or the animals but she said yes after everybody said it would be ok, she actually asked in front of Barb his mother "if i would be ok out there with him"! Barb was like, "yeah?" lol so we went out side and it was winter and the moon was boncing off the white snow so everything looked blue.. we walked out to the back of the house and i petted the calfs and the goats.. i have really never been around farm animals.. before i moved to hillsdale so i was so happy. We hung around out there for a while but then i had to go..we didnt see each other for a while after that. But one day i found out he was coming over to are house so i got in the shower and tryed to get ready but i took to long and he was gone by the time i got out. I was bummed..but then i got involoved with tracys other friends son named matt..he was like 3 or 4 years older then me.. and was li a senior in high school. He wouldnt talk to me at school but afterwards he would come to our house and hang with me. He would have family/friends party at his house with 4 wheelers and we all go trail ridding and mudding it was fun with a huge bombfire. It was like every night. We would kiss and all but never did anything else.. i guess i heard that tracy told him that he slept with me that he would kill him! wow right. anywho.. we would go swimming and go out to the lake and do everything togeather.. soon that faded away. I dont really remember how i got back into seeing brandon but all i can remember is that we were at Toms house a huge pig farmer in Reading MI (other one of tracys friends) and brandon and his family was there and i was there hanging with brandon in the office in the garage with all the men while the women were in the house.. and tracy went inside then came busting in the garage and grapped his jacket which was on the back of my chair and ripping some of my hair out! i yelped in pain and brandon shot up.. like he was going to attack tracy but tracy left.. i dont know why but i know he was mad at my mom.. for some fucked up reason. We had alot of bomb fires at toms house too...michigan is the place to have bomb fires lol. But i do remember that after that i started hanging with him alot and mom took us to see a movie and we dropped him off one night on a back road and are car got stuck in a snow drift.. and i had to go back up the house and get him..we were happy to see each other again but he helped us and we drove away..no night i spent that night at his house and i was support to on the couch and he on the floor but we would cuddle up and watch tv and every time his mom or dad got up to go pee..we would dive into are spots. One time he was holding me and his mom came out and he dropped me! lol but we grew up togeather and he even taught me to drive alittle in his dads car in a feild. He was a farmer and no one else was in his family so when he started trying to farm..he had to get a new place that was bigger. So his folks and him got a huge farm with a huge three story house and a huge like foot ball field barn with pastures and all that. Well we started dating and i lived out there for three whole long years togeather..well my mom made me come home for school though some times he would take me to school. My mom loved him but she still doesnt know that dark things that happened and i saw. My mom and tracy split up and he found a new husband at burger king where she was the manger of.. and his name was darren. He actually asked her for coffee.. the same day tracy said he wanted to split up..weird. So they got togeather and i loved the guy ever since.. he lived in hillsdale and i am so glad he came along and got me out of reading! But i soon learned the dark past of brandon.. his dad and left his mom.. and brandon when brandon was young and brandon had seen the fight between his parents.. hitting and cursing and all that..and his dad used and probably still does hit his mom! I saw it! I heard it! LIKE father, like son! brandon hit me all the time... i had bloody lips.. bruises, cuts and one time he pushed me on the ground and kicked me as hard as he could in the ass and i lied and said i couldnt move, he started crying and picked me up and took me in the trainer that was along the barn where me and him stayed at night.. every time he would hurt me he would cry and say he was sorry.. i stayed for three years.. and the time when he was beating me and i fell and he kicked me i screamed as loud as i could for help cause there was a farmer on a hill about a half of mile away and i was hopping he would hear me.. he didnt or didnt care. When brandons parents would get in a fight brandon would try to hid me away and not let me see what was going on and he would go into the house and try to break it up.. i would sneak up in the shandows and see them fight.. one time i got in his huge diesel truck and tryed to put it in 4 wheel drive to take off and couldnt and he came out of the house.. he was mad. That truck was his baby.. We also had alot of great times.. and i loved that farm. He thought me about amimals and i was soon raising my own cows and had a pet cow named skittles that would let me brush her, sit on her, and would come when i called.. i miss her alot every day and when we split i couldnt take her. I left her there and go figure she is dead now..huh weird huh. But i loved the farm and i thought i loved him but i didnt.. i was only there cause it was my first love and i gave it all i could.. all of me. I was happy before.. i used to be a happy kid but after that i became angry.. i mean brandon woundn't even start it some times i would just attack him and we get in a fist fight. At the end he cheated on me..go figure his father did it.. with a girl that didnt even end up with him..she ended up with his best friend. i found this all out by a paper that was in art class that read, "cowboy" that was the name of the calf that one of brandons cows had that it wouldnt take of so brandon had to bottle feed it and all. Her name was Amber and she was a cowgirl her self.. i hate her. lol still to this day lol. The guy she ended up with would always look at me like he knew.. i could tell there was "sorry" in his eyes.. i dont know he was always nice to me. Anyway brandon did buy me my own horse that opened a new door for me and made it possible for me to get out along with amber. He bought it for me and i was trying to ride it and wasnt having good luck so he hoped on back and was trying to help me when the horse named Rocky started bucking we both flew off and i got knocked out and my left arm became dislocated..  i woke up and looked over and it was at a weird angle.. i went into shock as soon as i saw it. They rushed me to the hospital.. and tryed to give me one of those things that lights up when your table is ready but brandon screamed at them and i got in faster lol.. in the xray barb went with me and they tired to get my arm away from my body to get an xray  and i wanted to do was hold it to my self and scream and cry and keep saying the same thing over and over, " help me" finally they got out enough to do a xray as i screamed in horror and so did barb at the nurses.. finally the pain as to much and they put me in bed and put an iv in a gave me pain killer.. i started shaking and as soon as that blacket went on me i stopped. They were going to put me under to put it back in shocket because the pair would be to great but they couldnt until my mom got there.. she got that all calm and tryed to get brandon to stop crying.. the last thing i remember is Dr. Collins saying, " count from 100 to 1" and bam i was out. They gave me to much sleeping shit and when i woke three hours later..there was brandon staring at me i freaked out and my heart thing started to spike and the alarm went off.. i didnt remember what happened, and i didnt know where i was.. after that i calm down and i went home cast and all. later i learned that brandon had went out to shoot the horse but his father stopped him.. but the horse had gashs on his mouth cause brandon had ridding his mouth piece out of its mouth and caused it to bleed. it wasnt the horses fault i was using the wrong bit and ridding it the wrong way cause i didnt know how to ride. It was brandons fault for not getting me proper ridding classes first. Aftter that i wasnt allowed to touch or do anything with the horse for over a year and had to go to a whole bunch of therpy to get my left arm to go staright again and to this day wont really go straight again. After all that it opened the door to the second part of my hillsdale nightmare.. but thats a other story for a other night.

Winter

I saw a commercial with a house and it was snowing and they were making a snow man and you could see the warmth comic from inside and there was Christmas lights and they had a Christmas tree up and it reminded me of Michigan and I stopped what I was doing and my heart sank. I missed it so much and the snow and just the winter/ christmas feel made me miss Michigan so bad. Texas never will have the feelin of winter with snow falling and you can drive by and see inside houses and you can see the warmth and ppl Christmas tree and the trees look like crystals and diamonds and the snow gives off a bluish look. I miss the snow a lot cause it's part of me and now that it's not Here I miss it a lot. I mean last year at Christmas here Brian and I got up and went over to my moms and it was just a little chilly no snow it was sad. I miss going out and un burying my truck or haven to put it in 4 wheel drive to get through a snow drift. I guess all these complaining would make sense to go back to Michigan then but I can't not with the job problem. Explaining why I love snow and the feeling of real Christmas would take forever but some day I hope to go back.

Pain..

My shoulder hurts bad and up into my neck. I think it is from lifting up the couch, the whole right side hurts pretty bad like every time i lift my arm and move my neck. When i lay down it hurts bad cause when i lay down and when i get up i have to stiffen my neck and all my muscles so that hurts bad. When ever i try to hang my arm or shoulder down to relaxe it that hurts even more. If it doesnt stop hurting by friday i will go to the doctors to see if i ripped a muscle bad or what i should do. God i lift anything all the time but a couch got me.. lol. It just  makes me not what to do anything cause i am just sore as hell and on top of that my head starts hurting and i am just usless. I dont know i hope this goes away for saturday cause even if they have to remove the arm or shoulder i am going. My shoulder is so tough that i could be bullet proof.. i just hope its not semi dis located cause ive been there before. Not fun ;(

Carving pumpkins!

Brian and I went to heb and got two pumpkins after he got out of work. We couldn't find a good set of tools to carve it so we used are own steak knives and ice cream scoop to carve and get the stuff from inside. We did the classic jack o latern look. There out on the pouch now... Omg sitting on my ass made my legs go to sleep and omg I'm old lol. Baby started eating the pumpkin juts... Ewe I had to stop her. Lol. So now we are making dinner which is marinated pork with green beans and potatoes yummy!! I'm so hungry anyway I spent my day doing nothing and cleaning the house up an I re-arrenged my living room stuff so the cat can't jump onto the ledge by the stair cause if she jumps to much she will fall to her death so I moved it so that won't happen. I have been so tired today I dont know why cause I slept like 10 hours. Tomorrow I have to go to work 6 to 9 pm which is like a waste for gas and time for me but I need money so o well any who good night!

My life story!

This is my first blog that my good goofy friend Sofia told me about. I meant her at Macys when she decided to come join the bullshit of Macys. She soon learned this was a bad idea. lol (we all did) but anyway in a happier note. I will start saying that i suck at spelling and will have the largest run on's ever. Deal with it.. please. LOL. I have a lot to say in a very not so comforable chair. So this will probably be broken up alot over probably years if i can get everything i need to say out.

First, I will write about what i can remember frist in my life. I was born Sept. 8th in Grand Rapids MI. on a stormy night because everytime a Coger (Maiden name) is born it will storm..really there was a huge snow storm the night when my dad was born jany. 27th 19..something. yes, the Coger name comes from my dad. Anyway i was born there and my mom was like 27 years old and my dad 30 something again. They were both from Michigan well actally my mom was born in Hawaii and put up for adoption. She was adopted when she was a baby still and took to Michigan by Barb Davis of Edmore Mi. and Ron Mccarthy of some where he was in the military. She was adopted as a blue eyed, blond hair child and turned out to be brown eyed and very dark curly hair... and portain. Because her dad was portain and her mother white with green eyes and natural blond hair. Anywho i'll explain that later. Any way i am off track.. again, I was born and came out and you know how they always try to give the baby to the mom..well they tryed that and my mom said, " arent you going to clean her up" so my grandma that i mentioned earlier was the first to hold me and my dad the second. Except to this day they both say they were the first so i dont know whats the truth. My parents stayed togeather only for a year either after or before i was born. They were best friends that decided to get married and have a kid.. and also two ppl who are angry decided to have a kid and wonder why the kid is angry. I guess the first places i lived was stantion MI which is a little town next to Edmore and Mt. pleasant (soaring eagle cansino) thats the only way pp know what your talking about when you say its next to soaring eagle cansino because the towns are so small around that. I guess my mom lived above a pizza place and worked there.. and she would get stray cats and i guess they were kittens.. and i would be in my huge metal car thing that my dad got me that actally drove around and the kittens would come up over it and claw me from underneath so i guess i got mad and we were on the second level and there was a window open and i took the cats and throw them out the window. Dont worry... there was a second level and a ledge and they landed on it and didnt get hurt. Mom had to tie a basket on a string and lower it down and the kittens jumped in the basket and saved them. lol . Thats one of the many memories that i have. A other one is that my mom had 5 jobs that she worked to be able to get me things and pay for every day things. So i had a lot of baby sitters one was carrie that i kinda remember. Anyway i guess i was at the her house and there was staris down stairs and the gate at the top wasnt closed and i got in my stoller or something with wheels and rode the thing down the stairs i guess i made it almost down to the bottom and it flipped. I still have the mark on my forehead. I guess my mom was so mad at Carrie i dont know if she ever babysit me again. I am very thank ful cause my mom had 5 miss carries before i was born. So i am the only child. She was also married before my dad to a guy named patrick and he cheated on her with her best friend.. which is one of the deep deep down reason or at least one of them that i dont trust men. I know i wasn't born yet but still i know it hurt my mom. So my dad was number 2 and still to this day even though its didnt last long but i think he still loves her. He talks about her kinda bad and says shes crazy.. but you know what little boys do when they like a girl.. so... My dads name is Harold Guy Coger and his dad was a Crazy guy that used to beat him and almost killed him many times. Because his dad used to do that to him. But my dad never touched me, he never hit me or any thing not even when i was little. Hell he never drank in front of me until i was about 20 years old. He was a cool dad , taught me how to shot, fish, hunt, and everything that your support to teach a boy i knew how to do better then a boy. I even has a mongooose bike and it spray painting on license plates. We go fishing every weekend that he had me.. i loved it. On the lake... back on state land, with lilly pads every where and the lake was so still and like a mirror.. it was so quiet and you could see the bass and all the small fish swimming around are flat bottem boat. Yeah we used ors not a motor. Michigan had the best weather.. in the summer it was perfect 75 degress with a little breeze. The sun was just warn enough, it was like heaven. I lived in a rural communtity and to this day.. i think is the best way to live. I grew up around corn and where i was from was mainly potatos.. we even had a potato festival. So instead of roads everywhere and city shit i was combines, tractors and amish everywhere. There was almost more amish then there was normal everyday ppl. The land was huge and flat and there was farms everywhere. There was cows and horses and prime hunting land. In Michigan the deer are huge and alot bigger then Texas wanna be deer. We had rolling green land and huge trees and for fun i went hunting and had a 4 wheeler. One childhood memory that i will keep dear to my heart is Nanas and Papa Farm.

My first blog... Exciting

Sitting here at moms, shoulders hurt bad from moving the couch so every Time I raise my arm up and damn it hurts deep in my shoulder by my neck. So at 6 to 9 I'm going to work and I really don't want to. My moms going to get some iron at some hospital and I have to watch a 80 year old women that is pretty much dead in the inside. She has that where you can't remember anything ... Like a shell with nothing inside. I know thats mean but if I was Like that I would of ended it long ago. Watching some weird movie about 3 women one is a lesbian, the other has aids and one is going to have a baby wow it's weird. This guy is a asshole in this show wow.. I was watching ghost adventures that I love to death and mom called me and asked to watch grandma and my stomach tighten cause I had to drive I don't know what it is but the thought and act of driving scares me to make my stomach hurt. I have never been the type to be afraid of anything never less a car, I am a great driving and have had my license since I was 16 and I'm 22 now and haven't had a ticket or an accident. When I get scared I normally get pissed so that doesn't help the driving cause then I get in fights with other ppl that's probably why I am scared or not scared but worried when I drive. I don't like to admit that I'm nervous about anything but some reason I am of driving which I can't believe cause I have a huge truck and wanted one cause I love trucks and in case of something happens it will have more metal to protect me. I don't want to be Like me this guys wife that Brian works with cause she won't even leave the house and doesn't have a license! I don't know what's going on but that won't be me. So Saturday I am going to the ren. festival and can't wait my good friend made me a skirt and I'm gonna get a corset and a peasant top and look all ren. Festival like. And hopefully remember my camera. So this is me again at 1044 pm and my shoulders hurt and my neck I wonder if it is because of my pillow so I switch Brian and wow that feels better he even put icy hot on my shoulder Much better. I smell like a giant mint. Lol well work sucked as normal and I guess while I was texting/ going potty a little bastard kid hit a christmas tree and broke Like 20 orm. And this parents prolly didn't even punish him I would have got my ass paddled. To bad parents don't use physical force these days It worked for me and I don't do drugs, get in trouble with the law or anything bad. I found put lately I am just not happy I miss Michigan to much and all I think about is that. I hate Texas and I hate the city. Theres a whole list of reasons but I'll leave that for a other blog. Just like any time driving I did get in a fight with some old guy in a lexis that was dark red with gold lettering and the casters was following me And would switch lanes as I dis so I got mad and brake checked him cause he was tail gating me and he try's to hit me and I get pissed and tail gate him and flipping him off and he slamming on his brakes so I slow down and open my door retry much saying I want to fight and he keeps going so instead of turning where I want to turn I follow him and I act like I'm getting on the phone to call the cops I get beside of him and he can't look at me!! Wow some man he was lol fuck head!! I hope he dies I really do and he sees me before he goes . I get mad and fight with a lot of people, never Like this in Michigan. I just looked over and the cat is laying down in the bed between us with her head on Brian, she loves us. So told brian I was nervous to drive and it was hard but it seemed to help and he offered to drive me to work I want to get over it. So I drove and everything went ok. Well going to bed